Greetings and salutations all you beautiful souls. I know I haven't written anything in about 2-3 months, and to be honest, I haven't really read anything either, so my words might not have that extra razzle dazzle that they normally have, but truth be told, I've just been lounging around and taking life one day at a time with one foot in front of the other.
During this quarantine, lock down, social isolation - or whatever you want to call it, really - period, I've taken multiple steps away from the path I was walking on, and I've taken the time identify and change some patterns of behavior, and it took about a week for me to identify all the bad habits that I have, how I can treat people better, how to treat myself better and many other things that I wanted to use this post to talk about.
Starting off, I haven't been as focused on my school work as I should be, which is bad considering the grade that I'm in is one of the most important in my school career, but if you look at it from my point of view, or at least how I'm going about it, me using my time to grow into a better person, focusing on getting better mentally, and realizing what is essential in life is more important and closer to heart and home than physics or bio. That doesn't go to say that those things aren't important but they don't necessarily have to be my main focus all the time. And if I am being totally honest, I don't think school really teaches us enough about life, but that's a different discussion.
During the last few months, I've learned to let go of many things. Some friends, some problems, bad memories, regrets and goals I won't be able to achieve, but mostly, I've learned to let go of things that I can't control. Not in the sense that 'if it isn't my problem, I don't have to deal with it' but in the sense that if I can't control the outcome, and trying to control the situation doesn't benefit me in any way, I should let it go. And this - I wouldn't say mentality but - mentality has kept me going through a lot the past couple of weeks.
The first month was definitely the worst, though the following two weren't much better, I spent a lot of time crying. Missing people, family mostly, and during that time, the anxiety took it's time to really settle in and make itself comfortable. Though one night, my brother and I spoke through the night and cried many tears, namely because of the memories and stories we shared and the nostalgia, but it was refreshing to see how much we actually remember about adventures we'd been on when we were younger.
One of my biggest fears is growing up and drifting away from the small amount of people that I consider my closest friends and family. The memories I have with each person I consider close, each have a different place in my heart and I am honestly scared that one day, we won't be as close as we are now, but if it is written to be, it will be.
I don't know how to describe the hurt I've felt, nor the healing. I'v distanced myself both physically and mentally, from people who don't deserve my energy, and I love the feeling of the freedom that comes with losing attachment to someone who isn't good for you to be around.
Although this world is temporary,
I have fallen in love with the smell of the air that surrounds me, and the feeling of the sun that kisses my cheeks.
Or the colour of the sky when the sun goes down that makes me wish for perpetual sunsets, even though I know it can never be so.
And oh, the sound of the birds flying on the breeze,
and the sound of undisturbed nothingness at the mountain top that makes me wish for endless summer days, even when I know it can never be so.
I have fallen in love with bringing air into my lungs, and feeling alive again; living on.
- a poem I didn't know I needed to write.
I know you're probably bored out of your mind at this point, so part 2 coming soon.
Thank you for taking the time to read :)
During this quarantine, lock down, social isolation - or whatever you want to call it, really - period, I've taken multiple steps away from the path I was walking on, and I've taken the time identify and change some patterns of behavior, and it took about a week for me to identify all the bad habits that I have, how I can treat people better, how to treat myself better and many other things that I wanted to use this post to talk about.
Starting off, I haven't been as focused on my school work as I should be, which is bad considering the grade that I'm in is one of the most important in my school career, but if you look at it from my point of view, or at least how I'm going about it, me using my time to grow into a better person, focusing on getting better mentally, and realizing what is essential in life is more important and closer to heart and home than physics or bio. That doesn't go to say that those things aren't important but they don't necessarily have to be my main focus all the time. And if I am being totally honest, I don't think school really teaches us enough about life, but that's a different discussion.
During the last few months, I've learned to let go of many things. Some friends, some problems, bad memories, regrets and goals I won't be able to achieve, but mostly, I've learned to let go of things that I can't control. Not in the sense that 'if it isn't my problem, I don't have to deal with it' but in the sense that if I can't control the outcome, and trying to control the situation doesn't benefit me in any way, I should let it go. And this - I wouldn't say mentality but - mentality has kept me going through a lot the past couple of weeks.
The first month was definitely the worst, though the following two weren't much better, I spent a lot of time crying. Missing people, family mostly, and during that time, the anxiety took it's time to really settle in and make itself comfortable. Though one night, my brother and I spoke through the night and cried many tears, namely because of the memories and stories we shared and the nostalgia, but it was refreshing to see how much we actually remember about adventures we'd been on when we were younger.
One of my biggest fears is growing up and drifting away from the small amount of people that I consider my closest friends and family. The memories I have with each person I consider close, each have a different place in my heart and I am honestly scared that one day, we won't be as close as we are now, but if it is written to be, it will be.
I don't know how to describe the hurt I've felt, nor the healing. I'v distanced myself both physically and mentally, from people who don't deserve my energy, and I love the feeling of the freedom that comes with losing attachment to someone who isn't good for you to be around.
Although this world is temporary,
I have fallen in love with the smell of the air that surrounds me, and the feeling of the sun that kisses my cheeks.
Or the colour of the sky when the sun goes down that makes me wish for perpetual sunsets, even though I know it can never be so.
And oh, the sound of the birds flying on the breeze,
and the sound of undisturbed nothingness at the mountain top that makes me wish for endless summer days, even when I know it can never be so.
I have fallen in love with bringing air into my lungs, and feeling alive again; living on.
- a poem I didn't know I needed to write.
I know you're probably bored out of your mind at this point, so part 2 coming soon.
Thank you for taking the time to read :)
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